The LIST.....

[jtdesigns]

lol this is pretty funny.

 

 

 

The "List"

 

1. Remember that clarity and details will just ruin the problem solving process for us. Whenever you post with an engine problem be sure that you don't give the year, make or model of your vehicle. This is exactly the sort of challenge we were looking for when we woke up this morning.

 

2. Stop whining about poly motor & transmission mounts. Yes, they transmit engine vibes but if yer butt is that sensitive & tender then sell the Jeep to someone who'll drive it & get a hemoroid cushion for the seat of your new Escalade!

 

3. Change your leaky injectors. No... they won't get better all by themselves.

Yes... we will laugh when your rig burns to the ground after being told to fix them.

 

4. No, we won't do research for you to see if a hub cap will work as a spacer for your throttle body just because you happen to have found one in your uncle's crawlspace.

 

5. POST IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!! USE LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SHOWS EVERYONE THAT YOU REALLY MEAN BUSINESS WHEN YOU POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

6. Answer every post you come across with a vaguely useless answer you heard from someone who was told that somebody had an uncle who's buddy's brother had a Geo that did the exact same thing... only different.

 

7. Tell us about the time you went to the local 4wd store and the counter guy acted like you were crazy just for wanting a body lift for your XJ. We love that story.

 

8. Post your question on 50 different forums hoping that someone will eventually give you an answer you want to hear.

 

9. Refuse to even try the search engine. After all, it's only there to annoy you. Better to just ask the same question that seven other people have asked today (just to be sure). After all, your Jeep is blue and that probably affects the answer.

 

10. Stickers DO increase horsepower and torque.

 

11. The best answer is one you have to guess at or have no experience with. If someone asks about an electrical problem, just make up an answer! Tell them to "Replace the relay". If they ask why their motor is running rough; tell them to "check the air pressure in their spare".

 

12. If your truck breaks down and leaves you stranded... Just start another thread titled simply "HELP!". Make up something useless like, "I had to walk 38 miles home through lice infested sewers after some lady flipped me off as I was wheeling though her vegetable garden." Say anything so long as you omit any mention of your truck or what happened to it.

 

13. We're not too bright. Only post easy questions like: "My truck is making a noise. I can't figure out what it is and it's driving me crazy! What's causing it?" Don't describe the sound or where it's coming from... Extra words just make questions too hard to answer.

 

14. Yes, people have bought that.

 

15. Yes, people have done that.

 

16. Yes, people have broke that.

 

17. Yes, people have been there.

 

18. Yes, their shipping is slow.

 

19. Yes, that is a very, VERY large pic of your stock Jeep in your sig. If bandwidth was lift, that pic would net you 10".

 

20. No, we are not impressed. They aren't either. No one is.

 

21. It's called mud. Some people even get it on their Jeeps.

 

22. Those are rocks. Some people have been known to go over them and not around them. This includes gravel roads.

 

23. No, we will not give you a detailed parts list for an exact 4.9822349478772201" lift with all the prices.

 

24. No, we also will not promise you that your lift will ONLY be exactly 4.9822349478772201" and never, ever, EVER sag by even .000000000000001".

 

25. No, we also won't call every parts house on the planet just to give you the name of the one counter guy in the universe who'll give you the cheapest price for one lug nut.

 

26. Jump on the bandwagon whenever someone who's never done something starts telling someone else how to do it... take welding, for instance. Sure, you've never welded a thing in your life but don't let that stop you from doing a complete metalurgical analysis of someone's welding job using a fuzzy picture posted on the internet. (And they said you lacked vision.)

 

27. Yes, F-150 coils will net 2" lift up front on an XJ. Yes, they're $50 cheaper new than those used 3" lift coils you just bought. Yes, they're stiffer than stock coils. Who cares?

 

28. Post as many questions about the latest 'fad' as you possibly can. Sure, you actually have no intention of putting a 10-ton dump truck bed on your CJ-7 but that shouldn't stop ya from asking for a complete 'how-to' from 30 other people who haven't done it either.

 

29. Post a twelve page series of pics of your pet hamster sitting on the dash of your rig doing cute, fuzzy 4-wheel drive type things. This will attract all the Jeep chicks who've been searching for a manly stud just like YOU.

 

30. Post pics to show us all how cool you are just by installing some 130 watt retina burner headlights... ya know, to match those dumbass C#*@-eyed foglights you leave on 24 hours a day while 'wheelin' around town' because you're just so f'n cool. Even better, after you put the headlights in; don't aim those either!

 

31. Show us those pics of yourself in traction again! Ya know, the ones where someone pulled your stupid @$$ out of your truck and beat the f*ck out of you for causing a wreck with those lights you were too lazy to aim.

 

32. Don't ask for details! Just assume that any problem another post describes will be solved by whatever fixed your truck; after all if one truck misses because of a bad spark plug... -ALL- misses are caused by bad spark plugs! If someone says they found oil in the driveway... assume that they're just as stupid as you are! Tell them they must have "...left the drain plug off when changing oil." We marvel at your genius.

 

33. Lecture everyone on how evil they personally are for not running a catalytic converter while you ignore the pollution produced by the f'n factory that makes the darn things. (Not to mention the strip mines that produce the platinum...) Remind everyone without a cat how they are single-handedly and solely responsible for whatever the Sierra Klub has programmed you to believe this week. After all, God bestowed you with your supreme intellect in order to let the rest of the world know how badly it needs to kiss your @$$. Hold real still while we line up and tie our laces.

 

34. Once a month, restart that old thread about removing both swaybars and tell everyone again how it "Handles just fine...'" without either of them. Ignore the advice of others who have done it and reinstalled them. Later, post pics of your trashed rig after you roll it swerving to miss a deer while offering to sell lift parts off of the remains cheap. On second thought, go ahead and remove both swaybars...

 

35. Remember that all problems can be solved with a big f'n hammer. Take this actual example - "You've got a bad fuel pump.... for sure! try hammering on the gas tank with a rubber mallet and see if it starts after that." For more effective repairs; Keep your forehead directly in line with the rebound arc of that rubber mallet.

 

36. whenyou post be sure to omitanycoherence and donotuse

 

punctuation and Only RaNdOmLY capitalize letters since big letters use more electricity

 

or notat all

and besure to throwin an odd paragraph or two for no apparent reason change subjectsOften and include details totally unrelated to the question like there is cheese on my Muffler

so it then allrunstogetherintoanundecipherablemess indicationing you thought you were asking asifyou were asking a question asifyou thought at all

 

37. "the"

 

38. Remember, the typer you are the easier it is for you to drunk your questions.

 

39. Challenge everyone to prove that an engine needs exhaust backpressure. To make sure you get an accurate answer, be sure to include this memorable phrase: "Bull $#!&, come and stick it up my a$$hole". Um... No.

 

40. Egads! It's a mystery! Bewilder us all with a real puzzle when changing one part doesn't magically fix something (or everything) else. Take this example: "... His cat was all clogged up and he got that fixed, and i gave him my old muffler to put on, and he still is gettin 9 mpg. what the f???? i don't understand what could be wrong..."

 

41. Need an answer quick? Post your question without searching but be sure to let eveyone answering just how vast your knowledge is and how little they think they know. (Ironic, considering you're the one axtin' a question...) No matter what, argue until people stop posting responses - that's how you know you're smarter than us. "Yeah ok what ever. So do you have the info on the part I need?? I have a clue I don't just spout off junk like some. I have been to my local shops and they are not sure of the correct part. I want to make sure I get the correct one. Do you have any usefull info on this or just more crap I am not interested in? "

 

42. Anger Management 101: Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words... Post some pics of your rig on a pile of rocks in your backyard with your girlfriend standing next to it. Before posting - First forget that the internet is LOADED with people just waiting to compare your rig to a $10,000,000 rock buggy and your girlfriend to either a farm animal or this month's playmate... with no in-between. Then - (after the games begin...) post the following unedited reaction when people start pokin' fun at ya and dissin' your ride... "READMY LAST @#$%ING THREAD @#$%ERS !!! xjay 96 you are close.... baja you are a @#$%ing a$$hole and va is not that far of a drive..... the rest of you @#$%ers should wake up dead tomorrow.... the fag with the stock cherokee telling me about breaking a shaft should wake the @#$% up...... your jeep is @#$%ing stock man...... you sont know whre i wheel... at...... you so not know $#!&...... stay the @#$% out of my life a$$holes..... like your lady of the night mothers told you as a child... if you do not have something nice to say then do not say nothing.... i will not stand here and hear you talk smack about my girlfrined....... you might talk $#!& on the net.... bet ill bet you are all beating you r little dicks off to a porn site...... grow the @#$% up or come here and we we will settle this...... ps./..... have jeep willing to travel @#$% you a$$holes"

 

43. When someone mentions that vehicle emissions requirements are not the all-important social issue that those nut-job enviromental groups claim it to be... You should just overlook the facts and show everyone how on top of things ya are with the ultimate comeback:

 

"you're a G.W. Bush supporter arent you?"

 

Don't let that knee-jerk knock ya out. (See #33)

 

44. Be sure to argue with anyone who posts a response based on first hand knowledge, especially when it contradicts an opinion you reached via osmosis. This is especially effective when you correct a police officer regarding what he can or cannot do during a traffic stop. From a post regarding a cop's ability to write tickets for improper headlights."Is any random dumbass police officer going to know the difference? I doubt it. They couldn't just give you a ticket because they look brighter." Response by a police officer who was on same forum. "Hell, We can give you a ticket if one light looks brighter than the other. ARTICLE 9 Section 375 Paragraph 2 "1. at least two lighted head lamps on the front, one on each side, having light sources of equal power" Guess I'm just not a random dumbass police officer. - Scott" " But if they're both equally bright you'd have a hard time giving a ticket beause they're "too bright", since there's no established level for that and police officers don't cary light meters."

 

I'll bet that cop was stunned to know he'd been doing his job wrong and using imaginary equipment... Be sure to correct every officer who pulls you over, whatever the reason! They truely appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule to correct any stupid ideas they might have had. Be sure to shout your instructions to them LOUDLY - those sirens make them almost totally deaf. Be sure to ask them if they're a "Random Dumbass Police Officer" for a special treat given out only to a select few. (Be sure to offer them a donut too.)

 

45. Almost like a comic book super-hero; the ultimate arbiter of "serious" knowledge uses his internet super-powers to keep mere mortals safe from misinformation spread by his arch-nemesis - "Chilton's Manual Man".

I agree.... get it towed, your in for more than you think..... Fatty, you need to go suck on a fatty... people like you that post comments liek that in a serious thread need to be bitched slapped daily... Look! On the net! On a thread!.... It's "Haynes Manual Man"!!! Up! Up! Up & awayyyyyyy!

 

46. Read about this guy's problem with mice in his Jeep and the helpful answer that ultimately resulted:

Mice Problem....Please Help!!

"Just this week I found a mouse crawling in my Jeep on the way to work. That night I set up traps, and got a mouse the next morning. I got another one the next night....and then two this morning! A total of four mice in three days! I have searched my Jeep for any obvious problems, entrances, or nests, but I have been unable to find anything. Is anyone aware of any problems with 97 Cherokees...or any Cherokee in general that would allow mice in my Jeep? I live in the northwoods without a garage, but I would like to believe that my Jeep would still be able to stay mouse free. Please write back with any help or suggestions."

Several people responded that he should set traps, etc. but the ultimate answer came with this:

 

"Replace your cat."

 

Now how do you argue with that?

 

47. Remember that everyone on the planet has a "MicroSoft Magic 8-Ball" keyboard which gives us all that information you're too lazy to go outside and see for yourself. Sure, none of us are anywhere near your Jeep but who would expect YOU to get dirty crawling under your rig to describe the problem? "I have an oil leak coming from about the level of the front tires maybe about midway in between. Not sure where it's coming from..... Thanks for any help".

Is this some form of automotive political correctness? After all, the only way to avoid offending a place that might not be leaking is to avoid describing ANYTHING about the area that actually is! At last! Outcome Based Oil Leaks!

 

48. Use this guy's example and you'll be able to change your exhaust manifold AND start your barbeque all in one easy step!:"The only thing I can think of is when I torched the old bolts off of the stock exhaust manifold, for some reason at one point the fuel line spurt gas out of it for no apparent reason."

 

Marshmallows not included.

 

49. Hey! What are you morons doing? If someone asks a simple question in the morning and you still haven't answered it by the same afternoon then you are just plain WORTHLESS! Just what is it with you people?! What are you doing leaving your computer and going outside on a Saturday?! Don't you know this guy could have a question he needs answered AT ANY MOMENT!??! "g**d damn, you guys are worthless. I'm not asking anymore questions on this forum."

 

"Patience, Grasshopper."

 

50. Boy Scouts aren't the only people who can be trustworthy and helpful! Take this example where our latest 'scout' earns his Internet Engine Miss-Diagnosis (A pun, get it? )Merit Badge by "answering" a question someone asked about engine timing:"I read a thread the other day that led me to belive that there was some sensor or something... ...that caused this... ...Maybe someone will chime in with that information as I know nothing about it really."

 

51. Low on gas and don't know why??? First ya gotta ask something like this:

" ...just picked up a 99 XJ Sport recently can't find anything in the owners manual about fuel capacity, low fuel light came on it took 16.2 gal, I figured it would have a 20 gal tank but don't think so. Anyone know?? Thanks"

After several people chimed in on what their tanks would hold AND some even gave the 'official' factory 20.2 gallon tank capacity specs... that wasn't quite accurate enough.

"Got the book out again, scoured it, nothing that says fuel capacity..." "...Under guages it says when low fuel light comes on you have approx 2.5 gal left...." "... It probably is 20 and they are lying about the 2.5 gals after the light comes on so you don't run it out. I still wanna know for sure."

Evidently; if tank capacity isn't listed in micro-ounces and each tank calibrated with an electron microscope then the listed capacity is useless. After continuing to ponder and ask what the capacity was (at the atomic level) one person finally responded to the "I still wanna know for sure" post by saying:

"read all the responses above..."

Ooops! Don't EVER state the obvious when it's obvious that the 2 zillion prior answers have not actually sent their gas tanks off to be calibrated at a mil-spec calibrations lab! The original poster responded with this little gem:

"Well... ... I'm not some punk assed kid that believes everything that is said to me, just because someone decides to say it. If you READ the posts, there are some folks that are experiencing sub 20 gal fills after running OUT. The owners book said the reserve is 2.5 gal, the light comes on it takes 16 gal, that adds up to about 18.5 gal. My 96 seemed to hold more fuel. Thought someone might have some literature on a 99. And buy the way....get a haircut'

[Wildman]

10. Stickers DO increase horsepower and torque.

 

Pete!!!! I need some more CC stickers :D

[jtdesigns]

10. Stickers DO increase horsepower and torque.

 

Pete!!!! I need some more CC stickers :D

 

 

lol

[Geonovast]

10. Stickers DO increase horsepower and torque.

 

Pete!!!! I need some more CC stickers :D

 

Puttin ALL of my new ones on in the morning!

[Eagle]

YOU THERE!

 

JTDesigns! Put your hands in the air and step away from the keyboard. NOW! Don't make any sudden moves. Everything's going to be fine -- nobody needs to get hurt. Just keep your hands where we can see them, back away from the computer and tell us what you've been taking ...

[jtdesigns]

YOU THERE!

 

JTDesigns! Put your hands in the air and step away from the keyboard. NOW! Don't make any sudden moves. Everything's going to be fine -- nobody needs to get hurt. Just keep your hands where we can see them, back away from the computer and tell us what you've been taking ...

Oh do I have too?????

:D

Well now how am I going to tell you what I've been taking if I step away from the cp??

[beaterjeep]

I only read up to #5 before I jumped to this reply. D@mn this attention deficit dis... SQUIRREL!! Ah, crap, what was I saying again?

[dragonsfyr]

:bowdown:

[BLHTAZ]

:D Very well worth the long read... :cheers:

[pingpong]

Well I just lost 10 minutes of my life reading that :nuts: You must have been on JU to long and figured all that out :brows:

[jaekl]

Hey don't hold back. You must have been saving those for a while.

 

Remember, idiots of all kinds serve a very vital role in society. They make you feel better about yourself.

 

I like the people who list items for sale and don't know anything about the item and add extra conflicting infomation. The best is "It hasn't been started since ***, but I'm sure it only needs 5 seconds of work and a 2 cent part." All this usually keeps the traffic down and you might get a good deal as long as you know exactly what the item is. No amount of questions is going to help.

[pingpong]

I personally love classified adds that say runs great but needs carb work, or is missing (pick a vital engine part).

[jeeptruck86]

Thanks jtdesigns, but that still doesn't answer my question... You guys are worthless... :D

[mjeff87]

35. Remember that all problems can be solved with a big f'n hammer. Take this actual example - "You've got a bad fuel pump.... for sure! try hammering on the gas tank with a rubber mallet and see if it starts after that." For more effective repairs; Keep your forehead directly in line with the rebound arc of that rubber mallet.

 

 

For the record.......that don't work. Tried that last week when my pump died, and only got a faceful of mud/rust for my troubles

 

:oops:

 

:D

 

Jeff

 

(although it did releive some of the stress of admitting to myself that the pump actually was dead)

[Oizarod115]

35. Remember that all problems can be solved with a big f'n hammer. Take this actual example - "You've got a bad fuel pump.... for sure! try hammering on the gas tank with a rubber mallet and see if it starts after that." For more effective repairs; Keep your forehead directly in line with the rebound arc of that rubber mallet.

 

 

For the record.......that don't work. Tried that last week when my pump died, and only got a faceful of mud/rust for my troubles

 

:oops:

 

:D

 

Jeff

 

(although it did releive some of the stress of admitting to myself that the pump actually was dead)

 

it works about 50/50 we get alot of dead pumps, some of them you can kick and drive in the shop, some of them you've gotta push :redX:

 

it's alot more fun to drive the car that just got a 80 dollar wrecker bill in ;) than it is to push em

[chicofuentes0224]

wEll NOW THat you wrote all that , WHAt the heck I'm I suppose to post UP IN the tecH SECtioN. I have absolutely NOTHING else to write AboUT now. OH. fO the love of GAWD, wHAT should I Do? THAt's it! my life is over .I"M JUMPING OFF my por.... crap. I think I twisted my ankle. DOES anyone know what will fix this? My ankle I mean.

[dragonrider477]

I personally love classified adds that say runs great but needs carb work, or is missing (pick a vital engine part).

we should do a sticky that would help people find the real meaning of for sale ads.here's my contribution.when the seller says"needs a tune up",that means it has 3 burnt exhaust valves."needs radiator flushed-runs hot" means head gasket is blown/or cracked head."ran when i parked it" means has'nt run in 10 years,motor stuck."needs new brake pads",yup,and calipers,rotors,hoses,lines,master cylinder,rear drums,shoes,cylinders,but the brake pedal itself is probably still ok."needs transmission adjusted" means either auto trans leaks fluid faster than you can put it in or trans is smoked."tires ok" means if you fill them up they will be good enough to tow car home."uses a little oil" means you need to add 2 qts. of oil per every 10 gallons of gas used."leaks a little oil" means the oil pan is rusted out or the rear main is smoked."needs 20 dollar part to fix it" yeah and 800 dollars labor at the repair garage."interior needs cleaning"-owners dog lived in car for 2 years."check engine light on-needs new sensor",actually,probably needs new cat converter and 4 new o2 sensors-1500 dollars."original paint-no rust".....ha ha ha ha ha ha ,right.

[Wildman]

:agree: There's a lot of truth it that.

 

:rotfl2:

[camjeep3]

so what are the biggest tires i can fit stock will a 4.5inch lift really lift that will it sag why does everyone laugh at me for wanting a body lift for my xj how much power does my 4.0 v6 have what happens if i take off the swaybar

[TNT]

35. Remember that all problems can be solved with a big f'n hammer. Take this actual example - "You've got a bad fuel pump.... for sure! try hammering on the gas tank with a rubber mallet and see if it starts after that." For more effective repairs; Keep your forehead directly in line with the rebound arc of that rubber mallet.

 

 

For the record.......that don't work. Tried that last week when my pump died, and only got a faceful of mud/rust for my troubles

 

:oops:

 

:D

 

Jeff

 

(although it did releive some of the stress of admitting to myself that the pump actually was dead)

 

it works about 50/50 we get alot of dead pumps, some of them you can kick and drive in the shop, some of them you've gotta push :redX:

 

it's alot more fun to drive the car that just got a 80 dollar wrecker bill in ;) than it is to push em

 

Did you have someone cranking the engine when hit the tank?

 

If not it won't work. As a tech I have done this hundreds of times I bet... flat rate 1 hour to diagnois.

[TNT]

wEll NOW THat you wrote all that , WHAt the heck I'm I suppose to post UP IN the tecH SECtioN. I have absolutely NOTHING else to write AboUT now. OH. fO the love of GAWD, wHAT should I Do? THAt's it! my life is over .I"M JUMPING OFF my por.... crap. I think I twisted my ankle. DOES anyone know what will fix this? My ankle I mean.

 

i dO I dO :cheers:

 

siGn tHe tiTle oF yOUr mJ oVer To Me sO yOu cAN'T JuMp oFf oF iT.