BPB Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 TOOLS AS EXPLAINED BY AN ENGINEER (This Explains TOOLS better than I've EVER Heard) DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $#!&' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. (embarrassing as it is, I've used this also) DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Car RamRod Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 The 2 Ton Engine hoist was my favorite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLHTAZ Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 :rotf: That's great!! I like the DAMMIT tool... :thumbsup: . I have had quite a few of those in my time :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pingpong Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I have all of them in my garage.. plus a few more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brdhntr Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 i love it!!!! :rotfl2: i'll add one: toolbox, the last place you'll ever find the tool you're looking for. :clapping: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xacto Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 "SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short." Perfect! :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jtdesigns Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I'll add one too... Screwdrivers.. Every time your looking for a Straight all you'll find are Philips,, as when looking for a Philips all you'll find are Straights :rant: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno MJ Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 That reminds me, I have to get some new "Dammit" tools.......I seem to have misplaced mine! :fs1: :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
92comanche4x4 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 thats so true lol I'll add one too... Screwdrivers.. Every time your looking for a Straight all you'll find are Philips,, as when looking for a Philips all you'll find are Straights :rant: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJA814 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. hahahaha my favorite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mvusse Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 After adding on to the shop a few times and moving the table saw around I have tested the structural integrity of 3 walls and a (cheap) door. All failed. i also used a 10hp shaper to test another wall. Threw a 3/4"x2"x24" piece of oak through 5/8" drywall, 5.5" cellulose insulation, through 20 gauge metal siding, and about 50' across the lawn before hitting the ground. Really glad I was not standing in the line of fire. My last table saw shot about 6 weeks ago tested my pain threshold throwing a piece of 1/4" plywood into my nether regions. Also caused a 7" bruise on my thigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pingpong Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 After adding on to the shop a few times and moving the table saw around I have tested the structural integrity of 3 walls and a (cheap) door. All failed. i also used a 10hp shaper to test another wall. Threw a 3/4"x2"x24" piece of oak through 5/8" drywall, 5.5" cellulose insulation, through 20 gauge metal siding, and about 50' across the lawn before hitting the ground. Really glad I was not standing in the line of fire. My last table saw shot about 6 weeks ago tested my pain threshold throwing a piece of 1/4" plywood into my nether regions. Also caused a 7" bruise on my thigh. Sound like you need to give up wood working or start wearing hockey goalie equipment :dunno: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Sam Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 The 2 Ton Engine hoist was my favorite. Mine too, done that plenty of times. I'll add one too... Screwdrivers.. Every time your looking for a Straight all you'll find are Philips,, as when looking for a Philips all you'll find are Straights :rant: Oujia board principle again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaekl Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Dudes, what are you doing with a table saw? If you are using a square and the fence together, don't. I can't think of any other way anything can be thrown by the blade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69CamaroSS Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.quote] i tend to do the latter part of this discription alot. my pliers usually end up my damnit tool about a minute after i start to use them :fs1: . This thread is awsome tho, hilarious descriptions :clapping: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mvusse Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Dudes, what are you doing with a table saw? If you are using a square and the fence together, don't. I can't think of any other way anything can be thrown by the blade. The piece of 1/4" plywood was bowed *badly*, because of that the part where the blade was cutting was up off the table an inch or so. When I was almost the whole way through the last 1/2" or so broke, causing the two halves to fall down and pinch the blade. So it immediately went from moving forward at whatever speed I was feeding it to moving back toward me at around 200 mph. Yes, I knew better, but still.... At least I still have all 10 fingers. I have damaged a few, but never permanently. I intend to retire with all 10 still intact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james750 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I hate using table saws, it has turned into the kind of tool that I use when NOTHING else will do the job, even if the table saw is the fastest/best tool for the job. I've never had the saw throw anything (though it tried), but I used to use a saw blade that was pretty thick and it tended to cause a lot of kick back and it would either try to force it back at me or try to shove my fingers into the blade. :eek: Enough of those close calls will send you away from a table saw. I probably would be more comfortable if I were using a Sawstop, not so sure about the quality on those though, but safety can't be matched. Hilarious descriptions, Love the damnit tool, and yes that is my most commonly used tool. I lost my 1/4" HF ratchet that way. :fs1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brdhntr Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 i'm not sure about this whole table saw thing, i love mine. i've never had a problem, but i would guess if i do i may feel a bit different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69CamaroSS Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 What about a Damnit Car part? i know its not a tool...unless you count it a a tool of releasing frustration. awww...the many, many bad vehicle parts i've thrown across the road...good times :clapping: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brdhntr Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 What about a Damnit Car part? i know its not a tool...unless you count it a a tool of releasing frustration. awww...the many, many bad vehicle parts i've thrown across the road...good times :clapping: i don't throw tools, i throw everything else! :dunce: when i was done parting out the suburban i did last summer, i used the body that was left to take out my frustrations. every hit with the hammer was for a stuck bolt, broken tool, or cut/bruise i suffered. man it felt good! :D i even gave my kids hammers and let them bang away at it. they had a great time. how many kids get the chance to destroy a truck? :clapping: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69CamaroSS Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 lol awsome. your kids are lucky :D . did you take pics of your kids destroying it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brdhntr Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 lol awsome. your kids are lucky :D . did you take pics of your kids destroying it? actually i did. :idea: i will post some pic's later. i didn't even think of that. this weekend or later this week i hope to take some pi'cs of my mj to introduce it. i will figure out how to post pic's and get them all posted. first i need to figure out how it all works. i figure i'll do a search and find what i need. :typing: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLHTAZ Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 first i need to figure out how it all works. i figure i'll do a search and find what i need. :typing: Here ya go... Click here for How to Post Pictures :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aemsee Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I hand this out in class: TECH 101 – source Bubba Engineering Limited Page 1 of 3 Here are some interesting new tests developed by some of our brightest engineers with strange nicknames using probable value /observation equation technique. Use them carefully. FUEL PRESSURE CHART (For those who refuse to use a pressure gauge) Due to the fact that most technicians do not want to take the time to correctly test the fuel pressure, we have developed the following... With the engine running, either push the Schrader valve in or loosen the fuel line THEN IF: Observation Probable Value (PSI) Fuel does not come out of the test area Approx. 0 Fuel hits the hood insulation 5 - 8 Fuel squirts over the fender 10 - 15 Fuel splashes off the fender onto the hood insulation and into the next repair bay 25 - 30 Fuel squirts to the garage roof, all over the car and hits shop owner or mgr. 35 - 50 VACUUM TEST "The Rule of Thumb" Put thumb on vacuum hose leading to direct vacuum Observation Probable Value Don't feel anything Change thumb and retest Still don't feel anything Vacuum is very low to none Hose has slight suction 1" - 5" Suction causes skin to wrinkle 5" - 8" Suction turns thumb blue 8" - 10" Suction creates hickey on thumb 0" - 12" Suction creates pain 8" - 20" Suction will not release and begin to move toward index finger 20 - 25" TECH 101 – source Bubba Engineering Limited Page 2 of 3 TEST LIGHT ILLUMINATION CHART With the vehicle prepped and ready to be tested, hook the negative lead of the test light to a good ground and proceed with testing. Observation Probable Value (Volts) The bulb DOES NOT light 0 – 1 The bulb MIGHT be glowing 1 – 3 The bulb BARELY GLOWS (or there is a reflection from the overhead lights) 3 – 5 The bulb GLOWS MUCH BRIGHTER than #2, but only a little brighter than #3 5 – 7 The bulb GLOWS WITH THE SAME INTENSITY AS A BALD HEAD ON A SUNNY DAY 7 – 9 The bulb GLOWS BRIGHTLY and is GAINING IN INTENSITY 9 – 11 The bulb is ALMOST BRIGHT ENOUGH TO READ BY 11 – 13 The bulb is BRIGHT ENOUGH that you still see a spot when you look away 13 – 15 The bulb SHINES WITH THE INTENSITY OF A HALOGEN HEADLAMP 15 – 17 The bulb is so bright that it MAY BE A SIGN FROM GOD 17 = 19 The bulb flashed with the INTENSITY OF A MINOLTA FLASH POINTED 3 FEET FROM YOUR FACE 20 - 20,000 Note: may be testing coil pack IGNITION VOLTAGE OUTPUT TEST Scopes may be inaccessible from time to time, so here is a test for Ignition Output : 1. Hold medium wrench in one hand. Sears wrench preferred for accuracy of test because other smooth wrenches are too slick for throwing. 2. With the engine running, grab hold of the plug end of an ignition cable and with the other hand, hold on tight! 3. Pull plug wire. This will more than likely cause you to throw the wrench. KV output is based on how far the wrench was thrown. NOTE: Experienced users have learned to move other vehicles aside while conducting this test. Observation Probable Value (Volts) +10 feet 10,000 give or take a few KV +20 feet 20,000 give or take a few KV +30 feet 30,000 give or take a few KV +40 feet and beyond 40,000+ (add a couple of 10 KV as needed) Caution! Must be one of them new ultra high output ignition systems, next time use a bigger wrench. TECH 101 – source Bubba Engineering Limited Page 3 of 3 HOW TO TORQUE WITH AN IMPACT WRENCH With a skilled ear and quick finger, you can use your impact gun to torque nuts and bolts. Please note these values are for Ingersol-Rand brand impact guns only! Probable Value Observation 25 to 35 ft/lbs BAP! 35 to 45 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! 45 to 60 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! 60 to 75 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! 75 to 90 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! 110 to 300 ft/lbs BAP !BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! Stripped/broken bolt/nut BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Crap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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