Rokhound Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-B!TCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I $#!& myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeepcoMJ Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 i just laughed my @$$ OFF lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
89eliminator Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 that was awesome. you can't fix stupid :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ifixit8 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 that's always a good one to read. seen it a few times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86FUBAR Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 that is funny but that stuf don't hurt that bad , when i lived in north carolina me and some friends would get together (most every night) and get totaly hamered and and play with a taser . we would see how long it would take each person to tap out per say and for the longest time i had these little 1/8" round burn marks spaced about 2"apart all over my body, boy those were the days :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TNT Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 If I gave one of those to my wife I would have to buy myself one(and not tell her). :brows: I'm sure she would come out in the garage after calling me in to do something a few times (something that I thought was pointless :nuts: ) and shoot me woth it when I was under the MJ on the creeper..... :eek: :mad: I can picture me bouncing off of the underside of the MJ, probably drawing blood.... :headpop: 2 seconds of bare skinned payback would be about about right. I even know when I would do it... When she takes the remote and turns off Extreme 4x4 for something on the Lifetime channel.... I bet you wish you would have shot the cat instead now.... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackel18 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm at work laughing ny @$$ off, everyone is looking at me like i got two heads! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djag12 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm at work crying as I can't stop laughing :teehee: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddzz1 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 If I gave one of those to my wife I would have to buy myself one(and not tell her). :brows: 2 seconds of bare skinned payback would be about about right. I even know when I would do it... When she takes the remote and turns off Extreme 4x4 for something on the Lifetime channel.... I bet you wish you would have shot the cat instead now.... :D The lifetime channel should delete when there is a man in the house. Theres even more than one now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a1awind Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 my wife knows Enough, that when someone is in our house to grab my Taurus .38 from the nightstand. Her aim is just good enough to hurt them bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 nice, in MA, if I shoot a robber, I go to jail, then get sued by him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a1awind Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 wow, really you arent allowed to shoot them if they are in your house? here we are allowed to shoost them if they are IN the house and not in the back....id just tell em to turn around. to be honest id rather not kill'em if i don't have to. Then again, Dead men file no lawsuits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twisty Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 my wife knows Enough, that when someone is in our house to grab my Taurus .38 from the nightstand. Her aim is just good enough to hurt them bad! It took me a minute to realize that you're refering to a burglar. I thought you meany have people over for dinner. I couldnt figure out why your wife would want to shoot them. :nuts: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeepinmanch Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 my gut hurts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a1awind Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 no, no one comes over to my house (its too small ) except my in-laws...theres days i wanna shoot them though! ....but no....i wouldnt shoot them. my Italian nature is to feed people that come to my house. however my scottish side wants to get them a drink! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattpioneer Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 my brother used to get drunk and play a game he called shock the bum sleeping. i was always sleeping. sucks to wake up to that. his was a 9 volt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a1awind Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 yeah .....great idea for an alarm clock for over sleepers.....bet they'd never hit the snooze button! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rokhound Posted April 6, 2008 Author Share Posted April 6, 2008 i got this one today :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsP9DUmIIdM :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james750 Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 here in CO, if theres a robber in ur house u can shoot to kill, it was a law that was instated a couple of yrs ago but i can't remeber the name of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewToJeeps Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 I'm pretty sure down here it is shoot first ask questions later. If they are a threat shoot em. Ether way it goes when it comes to protecting my family or myself two phrases come into mind... "I'd rather be tried by twelve then carried by six" and 'it's easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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