jeep jokes

[mj Mike]

How to Change the Oil in Your Jeep. . .

Women:

 

1. Pull in to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change

 

2. Drink a cup of coffee

 

3. Fifteen minutes later, pay $25 and leave with a properly maintained Jeep

 

Men:

 

1. Go to NAPA Auto Parts and pay $30 for oil, filter, hand cleaner, scented tree air freshener, and numerous other items you realize you need

 

2. Discover that your used oil collection container is full; take it to the recycling center

 

3. Spend 20 minutes trying to locate your floor jack and jack stands; no luck

 

4. Have a beer; you don't really need to jack up the Jeep anyway

 

5. Place used oil collection container under the engine

 

6. Pull out socket wrench and socket; the 5th one you try is finally the correct size

 

7. Unscrew oil drain plug

 

8. Drop drain plug in oil; splashing hot oil all over you (and the garage floor) in the process

 

9. Wipe off face with dirty shop rag and sprinkle kitty litter on garage floor where oil splashed

 

10. Have another beer while oil is draining

 

11. Look 15 minutes for oil filter wrench; no luck

 

12. Poke oil filter with a Phillips screwdriver and twist it off

 

13. Wipe oil off of your arm with same dirty rag used in step 9; sprinkle more kitty litter on floor

 

14. Buddy shows up; finish off 6-pack with him. Screw the oil change; finish it tomorrow!

 

15. Next day, drag full oil collection container out from underneath the Jeep

 

16. Sprinkle more kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15

 

17. Have a . . . wait, no beer left, drank it all yesterday

 

18. Walk 2 miles to Corner Store; buy more beer

 

19. Apply a thin coat of clean oil to gasket and install new oil filter

 

20. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine

 

21. Remember drain plug from step 8!

 

22. Scramble to find drain plug in oil collection container

 

23. Hurry to replace drain plug before entire quart of fresh oil drains all over floor

 

24. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame; band head on floor board in reaction

 

25. Begin cussing fit and throw wrench across garage

 

26. Clean up and apply Band-Aid to knuckles

 

27. Sprinkle kitty litter on one entire quart of fresh oil now pooled under the Jeep

 

28. Have another beer

 

29. Dump in remainder of oil into engine

 

30.Realize that while you were under the Jeep, it would have been a good time to grease everything, bleed the brakes, replace those dry-rotted body spacers, and find out where that hideous clanking noise is coming from

 

31. Drive back to NAPA and buy another $150 worth of parts that either won't fit, will break when you try to install them, or will be saved for a later project (all of which will have long been misplaced by the time you are ready to start subject project)

 

32. Drive Jeep (1-quart low of oil) for 7,000 miles; then return to Step 1

[MJRemi]

I'd like to add the step of using a metal strap wrench for the filter and when trying to slip it on over the end of the filter, the strap contacts the starter and sends sparks flying into your (my) face. :oops:

[beepbeepmyredjeep]

I'd like to add the step of using a metal strap wrench for the filter and when trying to slip it on over the end of the filter, the strap contacts the starter and sends sparks flying into your (my) face. :oops:

And I'd like to add after that step..."Drink more beer to dull the pain"

[mj Mike]

I'd like to add the step of using a metal strap wrench for the filter and when trying to slip it on over the end of the filter, the strap contacts the starter and sends sparks flying into your (my) face. :oops:

 

have you seen sparky ?

[H3RESQ]

I was gonna comment on the $25 price, but then remembered a woman would also care less if it was synthetic or if it had Lucas in it..lol.

[87Warrior]

I dunno, its 5/8" or 14mm depending on the 4.0 :smart:

 

I have actually never had such a long experience changing the Jeep's oil. Now the wifes Camry....that car ruins me.

[kro10000]

I dunno, its 5/8" or 14mm depending on the 4.0 :smart:

 

I have actually never had such a long experience changing the Jeep's oil. Now the wifes Camry....that car ruins me.

 

Yup I'm at the point where I've memorized half the sizes of the bolts on my MJ. 14mm drain plug on mine, seeing as I've done 4 oil changes on the MJ this year alone I'm getting pretty good at it.

[xjrev10]

http://mustangforums.com/forum/5-0l-gen ... s-car.html

 

:doh:

[buxmj]

Hilarious. Thank you. I think the last time I changed oil on my vehicle I was still in KC, freezing cold, ended up going through many of these steps except I should have stopped to drink beer, my biggest regret.

[Jerry]

Staying on the workshop theme, this one's been going around the net for a while.

Still makes me laugh when I read it again as I've experienced most of them! If you own a Comanche then you probably have too :D

 

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

 

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

 

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell

 

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

 

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

 

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

 

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

 

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

 

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

 

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

 

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

 

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust

[freakjeep93]

HAHA thats good

[beepbeepmyredjeep]

Box Wrench: A metal tool commonly used to instantly warm your hand when accidentally connecting a hot wire to a ground. For even more interesting effects, make sure the wrench is in contact with a wedding ring.

 

 

And yes, that one's from experience.

[mj Mike]

You Know You Have A Real Jeep (Are A Real Jeeper) If . . .

 

1, You use a hose to clean the inside and the outside

 

2, You take your date home early on a Saturday night so you can work on your Jeep

 

3, You determine that the best route from Point A to Point B is through a rock pile or over a mountain

 

4, You call a scratch or a dent, a beauty mark

 

5, You roll it over and don't get upset

 

6, Your Mom or your sister can't get in without help

 

7, You judge every hill you see by how much fun it would be to climb

 

8, You feel nauseous when you see a RAV-4 or a Chevy Tracker

 

9, You get custom pin-striping from trail brush

 

10, A low-rider Jeep pulls up next to you, and you want to get out and slap the driver

 

11, It takes more than 6 hours to get donuts

 

12, You pull into the unplowed parking spots on snowy days

 

13, You take your friends wheeling and they say "What trail; I don't see a trail!"

 

14, You've been forced to add MJ,TJ, CJ, YJ, JK, ZJ and XJ to your spell-checker

 

15, You can see OVER a Suburban

 

16, You carry emergency supplies and clothing because you never know where you will end up

 

17, Your Nerf bars battle rocks and win

 

18, It rains and you don't care that your top and doors are off

 

19, You drive around to look at Christmas lights . . . topless

 

20, You change your plugs in the parking lot at work on a break

 

21, Your "Parts Department" is on blocks behind your house

 

22, You take your Mom wheeling and she has to help you flip the Jeep back onto its wheels again

 

23, You use an ice-scraper on the inside of the windshield

 

24, You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents

 

25, Every page of your repair manual has greasy fingerprints

 

26, Passengers scream "DON'T ROLL IT!" when you take them wheeling

 

27, You spend more time under your Jeep than under your significant other

 

28, Winter comes and your can't remember where you left your top

 

29, You spend more on car washes than on insurance

 

30, Even worse, the car wash won't let you in

 

31, You fix almost everything yourself

 

32, You feel sorry for someone in a $60,000 Toyota Land Cruiser

 

33, You have the phone numbers for all of your favorite mail-order accessory houses memorized

 

34, You have all your credit card numbers memorized

 

35, You slam the door and chunks of dried mud crumble to the ground

 

36, You get asked to pick up your co-workers in a snowstorm . . . and get paid for it

 

37, Your wife/girlfriend refuses to get in it

 

38, You are the only one on the street who doesn't plow their driveway

 

39, You are dating the Service, Parts, or Sales Manager at your local Jeep dealership

 

40, You try to run the plow trucks off the road when it snows heavily

 

41, You can't hear your $200 stereo over the howl of your tires on the highway

 

42, You have a high-water mark INSIDE the Jeep

 

43, After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?", the next question is always: "And you do this for fun, right?"

 

44, Your criteria for selecting a "significant other" includes auto repair skills--air tools optional

 

45, You plan your wedding around the Club's trail ride schedule

 

46, You save broken Jeep parts as "momentos"

 

47, You know the exact story behind every one (see above)

 

48, When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Jeep Owner's Bible"

 

49, You keep trying to convince your significant other to allow you to remove the doors on the family minivan

 

50, Your Jeep no longer fits in the garage

 

51, You always have your drinks "on the rocks"

 

52, You think that any tire that isn't waist high looks like a bagel

 

53, You can't take a girl, who's wearing a dress, on a date without carrying along a set of steps

 

54, You can't sneak into church late because the engine is too loud

 

55, You know your ring gear size, but not your wedding ring size

 

56, All of your shirts have some sort of grease or oil stains, or battery acid holes, from not planning on working on your (or a friend's) Jeep

 

57, You have a dirt berm at the end of your driveway from the mud that got washed off of your Jeep

 

58, You think that an "airline" is something that connects your differential to your air compressor

 

59, You stop trying to get the dirt out from under your fingernails

 

60, You buy parts for your Jeep instead of food for your family

 

61, You spend Super Bowl Sunday turning wrenches rather than watching the game

 

62, Your e-mail address refers to your Jeep rather than you

 

63, Your garage holds more Jeeps than your house has bedrooms

 

64, You have enough spare parts to build another Jeep

 

65, You have Jeep parts in your cubicle at work

 

66, You have to wash your hands before you go to the restroom

 

67, You carry along enough tools to supply a small garage

 

68, You nickname your Jeep after the noises it makes or it's most damaging trail accident

 

69, You carry along a replacement part for every drive component on the Jeep

 

70, You can air up your tires without stopping at a gas station

 

71, You're constantly getting passed on the highway

 

72, The Service Department has to let all of the air out of your front tires in order to reach the engine

 

73, Your wallet is always empty!

[Automan2164]

Also see:

 

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=20555

 

Rob :cheers:

[mkbruin]

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips any bolts last tightened 25 years ago by someone in Toledo Ohio, and instantly snaps the bolthead without so much as shifting the threads.

 

FIFY

[kyleag89]

Don't forget to add jiffy lube stripping your oil plug when they put it back in, and then refuse to change your oil again because its stripped. (Happened to my mother) :ack: