CC.com joke thread

[beaterjeep]

Since it seems to be slow around here lately, and everyone could use a good laugh after a long day at work, or working on a vehicle that just seems to pi$$ ya off because nothing's going right. So, let's hear em; old ones, new ones, 2 minute readers, one liners, don't matter.

 

 

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

 

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

 

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

 

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

 

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away

[89eliminator]

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

 

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

 

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

 

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

 

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

 

5. The password is "Huntin".

 

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

 

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

 

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

 

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Wildman]

Well.....seeing that my sister just sent this to me today -

 

Tis the season and all -

 

 

 

deer santa:

 

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I

give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your

older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

 

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace

and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

 

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

 

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat

mom, who rides his @$$ constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get

you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Santa

 

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a

drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

 

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I'm giving you a doll instead

because I bet you're ghey.

Santa

 

Dear Santa ,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for

your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the $#!&s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam. < BR>Santa

 

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

 

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I

give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where

I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking

myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money

at the craps table.

SantaP.S.

Tell your mom she got the part.

 

 

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,

like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

 

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping

your house.

Santa

 

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

 

Timmy,

That whiney begging $#!&amp; may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't

work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa

 

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

 

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your @$$

kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent,

ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the

burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

 

:D

[jtdesigns]

TRUE STORY..........

Stephanie, my son, who was 11 months old at the time, and I were going to Charlotte to watch my sister-in-law act in a play. It was about 3 o-clock and was drizzling just a tad. We were about an hour from the city when we were stopped at a red light. Just up the road a guy wearing a a lot of camping gear was hitch hiking. Now I know what hitch hiking was about, I lived in Killington Vermont for a few months and worked at the lodge. I had to hitch to work or play whenever I had to. The worst thing that had ever happened was the driver burned one with me, so I felt it was a way to pay it forward. So without hesitation I pulled over and told the guy to hop in. He threw his backpack in the rear seat with Steph and jumped in. I told him where we were going and how far I could take him. He was kinda quite and very weird. As we were driving down the road I looked in the rear view and Steph was ghost white!! She kelp pointing to the guy's bag.... I was like WTF! I asked the guy " So, what's in your bag?" He replied to my horror, " It's none of your business." ,,,, Ummmmm yeah,,, I was FLOORED!!! to say the least. I replied with a laugh,,, "Nah really what you got in that thing?" He replied the same "It's none of your business!" ............

 

OK its one thing to to be an @$$, but this was to much for me to handle.. I said with a firm voice "OK man I was nice and pulled over for you cause it was raining and gave you a ride. The least you could do is ease my mind and just tell me what you got in your bag." Same reply, "I told you it was none of your business."

 

Well as he said that there was another stop light I was coming up to. Let me tell you as soon as that thing turned green I reached over and was so quick it should be a world record and fling the door open and pushed that MF'er out, and burnt the rears get the f#@k out of there......

 

The crazy thing is went about a mile down the road and we still had the fools bag!!!!

 

That was one the scariest times of my life!!! I will never pick up a hitch hiker again in my life..........

[carnuck]

so what was in the bag?

[jtdesigns]

none of you business...... bawhahah hahahha hahahahahahaahahahhhh :rotfl2: :laughin: :yes: :teehee: :clapping: :nanner:

[Oizarod115]

i wanna know why you named your son stephanie... :nuts:

[jtdesigns]

i wanna know why you named your son stephanie... :nuts:

 

Thats how us North Cakkalakins rollllllll ........... I followed Johnny Cash's example.. should of named him Sue though.

[Rokhound]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/471479867.html

[carnuck]

none of you business...... bawhahah hahahha hahahahahahaahahahhhh :rotfl2: :laughin: :yes: :teehee: :clapping: :nanner:

 

Somehow I knew that was coming!

 

Why men aren't advice column writers:

 

 

 

Dear Ted,

 

 

 

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

 

 

 

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

 

 

 

I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.

 

 

 

But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

 

 

 

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Susie Fox

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Susie,

 

 

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Ted

[JeepcoMJ]

HAHAHAHA

[Rokhound]

i got these off of a diesel forums

 

[beaterjeep]

It was lil Suzy's first day of 2nd grade. The teacher decided to break the ice by saying that she was from Boston, and as such she was a Patriots fan. She then asked the class how many of them were Patriots fans as well. Wanting to make a good impression on the new teacher, everyone but Suzy raised their hands. The teacher noticed that lil Suzy didn't raise her hand, and asked her why.

Suzy responded, "Well, I'm a Jets fan, and proud of it."

The teacher asked, "Tell me then why it is that you're a Jets fan?"

Suzy said, "It's because my mommy is from New York and is a Jets fan, and my daddy is a Jets fan too, so that make me a Jets fan."

The teacher was taken aback by this, and thought for a second, and then said, "Well, what if both your mommy and daddy were mentally challenged, what would that make you then?"

With a huge grin on her face Suzy responded, "Then, I'd be a Patriots fan."

The teacher fainted.

 

:popcorn:

[carnuck]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

 

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

 

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

 

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

 

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

 

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5

[jtdesigns]

There was a blonde

 

HAHA That was funny...

 

 

 

 

 

How does the blond turn the light on after having sex?

 

opens the car door..

 

 

 

Whats a blonds idea of safe sex??

 

A padded headboard...

 

 

 

 

Whats this?.. run.......erk...run.......erk ...run.......erk...run......erk

 

A blond at a flashing red light.

 

 

 

 

 

Dirty Johnny and his dad were walking down the road. They came across two dogs doing it. Johnny looked at his dad and ask, "Dad, What are those two dog doing?"

His dad replied, "Well Johnny, Their making a little puppy." Nothing more was said....

A week went by and Dirty Johnny busted into his moms and dads room while they were doing it. Shocked his dad threw the covers over him and mom and said "Johnny! "

Johnny said, "Dad what you doing to mommy?" His dad replied, "Well Johnny we're making you a baby brother."

 

Johnny sat there for a sec and then said,, "The hell with that dad, Flip her over I would rather have a puppy!!"

[carnuck]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.

 

 

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

 

 

 

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

 

 

 

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

 

 

 

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.

But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

 

 

 

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

Image Not Found

[mjeff87]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not

produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the

Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which

stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards

cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he

accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas

tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick

it?"

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

Christmas tree.

[jackel18]

^

^

^

:D :rotfl2:

[89eliminator]

well since i'm from Wisconsin as are others on this board.

 

 

 

Wisconsin Crazy Law

Dumb Wisconsin Laws

At one time, margarine was illegal.

 

 

As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.

 

You must manually flush all urinals in a building.

 

 

While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

 

 

Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.

 

 

State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

 

 

Citizens may not murder their enemies.

 

 

It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.

 

 

It is illegal to kiss on a train.

 

 

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

 

 

Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.

 

 

Kenosha

No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.

 

 

La Crosse

You cannot "worry a squirrel."

 

 

It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.

 

 

It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip).

 

 

It is illegal to play checkers in public.

 

 

Milwaukee

If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.

 

 

An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car.

 

 

It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.

 

 

It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.

 

 

Racine

Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.

 

 

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

 

 

St. Croix

Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.

[MJ'87]

it ain't cold til your butt sticks to the toilet seat

[TNT]

Three auto techs walk into the bathroom to use the urinal. One works for Ford, one for Chevy and one for Jeep. When the Ford tech gets done he washes his hands real well and uses 3 sheets of paper towel to dry his hands. He looks at the other 2 techs and says at Ford they teach use to be very thorough and walks out. The Chevy tech gets done he washes quickly, dries his hands with 1/2 a piece of paper towel just as the Jeep tech gets done. He looks at the Jeep tech and says at Chevy they teach us to be very efficient. The Jeep tech walks past him and says at Jeep they teach us not to piss on our hands...

[jtdesigns]

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness

among the military services, Congress has approved the

following changes to basic principles of recruit

 

training:

Haircuts:

Marines: Heads will be shaved.

Army: Stylish flat-top’s for all recruits.

Navy: No haircut standard.

Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny

Jones show.

 

Training Hours:

Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.

Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.

Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch

until 1300, train until 1600.

Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train

from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to

1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training

ceases at 1500.

 

Meals:

Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE’s.

Navy: 3 hot meals.

Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping

Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril

Lagasse. All you can eat.

Leave And Liberty:

Marines: None.

 

Army: 4 hours a week.

Navy: 2 days a week.

Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits

will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

 

Protocol:

Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer

to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to

them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).

Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they

are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel

"Sarge."

Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all

enlisted personnel as "Chief."

Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first

name basis with each other.

 

Decorations/Awards:

Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of

gallantry and bravery only.

Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet

fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and

bed made.

Navy: Will have ships’ engineers make medals for them

as desired.

Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as

they will most likely be awarded them at some point

early in their careers anyway.

 

Camouflage Uniforms:

Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training

and in field situations.

Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.

Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not

camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make

every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)

Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage

uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and

colorful squadron patches all over them.

 

Career Fields:

Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen

first and foremost.

Army: It doesn’t matter, all career fields promote to

E-8 in first enlistment anyway.

Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure

out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do

anyway.

Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner

that will allow them to leave the service early to go

on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[jtdesigns]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Rokhound]

A man was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

 

'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.

 

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

 

They're going 'at it' for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

 

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

 

The man looks at the woman. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers Indignantly.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

 

"Well, neither did I, 'til you shined that light in her face!"

[carnuck]