ComancheClub official joke thread...may be NSFW

[JeepcoMJ]

taken from zach571 on wi4x4...

 

 

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

 

 

 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

 

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

=0 A

 

 

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[comanche13]

haha that is sweet

[A_Town_MJ]

Well first off that was the most reading ive done since highschool '08. and second it was deffinately worth it

I may have to look into this reading thing. :yes: :yes:

[Wildman]

Think we had this topic before :hmm:

 

But, with tis the season and all..............

 

 

Early Dismissal

 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

 

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

 

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

 

dismissal.

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

 

leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart

 

and will answer the question."

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

 

questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b***hes would

 

keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[oldrusty]

another Johnny joke.....

 

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher had a leeson on stories with a moral.

 

At the end of the lesson the teacher told the class for homework they all had to make up a story with a moral.

 

The next morning the class started sharing their stories....

 

Little suzie started...." Last night I was pouring a drink when the glass tipped over and my milk spilled on the floor.....

 

I cried and cried cause I thought my mom would be mad."

 

But she just wiped it up and it was ok"

 

The teacher asked the moral of the story......

 

Suzie replied...."don't cry over spilled milk."

 

This went on and on until Johnny was the only one left.

 

Teacher asks Johnny what was his story......

 

Johnny replied..." My dad was trapped in a foxhole in the Iraq surrounder by 15 terrorist with just three bullets, a knife, and a fifith of jack daniels."

 

Teacher says " oh my what happened?"

 

Johnny says.."Dad downed the fifth of jack....jumped up and shot the three closest and killed the rest with the knife."

 

Teacher says..."....um....ok......whats the moral to the story?"

 

Johnny replied......."don't mess with my old man when hes been drinkin."

[freakjeep93]

another little jonney joke (its funnier in person)

 

the teacher was dping a english class where you make a sentece with the word

she had little jonney i her calss and he swears alot . it ended up that she had to give him the word osenall (i think thats how its spelled. jonney thinks for a moment ....

 

then hes like" last night me and dad were watching hocky and my mom was vacuming and dad said :if you don't turn tat damn thing off ill shive it up you @$$ hose and all !

[Xacto]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

 

LISTENING

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and said, 'What?'

 

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

[freakjeep93]

LOLLOLOLLOLOLLOLOLLOL that is awsome :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

[Carl'sMJ]

Here's one for all the Marines out there...

 

A Marine was attending a college course (here in USA) between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you

are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell

silent and the professor began his lecture.

 

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting."

 

It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch,

knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.

 

The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What is the matter with you? Why did you

do that?"

 

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave

like an idiot. So He sent me." :USAflag:

[WahooSteeler]

Little Johnny's teacher says they are going to use each letter of the alphabet, give a noun that starts with the letter, spell it, and use it in a sentence.

 

So she starts with "A" and Little Johnny raises his hand first "pick me, pick me!". But she just knows Little Johnny is going to say "@$$", so she calls on Suzie. "Ant. A-N-T. I stepped on an ant and killed it." Very good Suzie the teacher says.

 

"B" says the teacher. "Oh Oh, PLEASE call on me teacher" Little Johnny says. But she just knows Little Johnny is going to say "biz-atch", so she calls on David. "Bat. B-A-T. I hit the baseball with my bat". Very good David the teacher says.

 

"C", "D", well she knew what these were going to be, and on and on and the teacher won't call on Little Johnny because every letter he could say a bad word.

 

Finally, she gets to the letter "R". Little Johnny is about to pee his pants he wants to answer one so bad. The teacher thinks and thinks and can't imagine what bad word he'd say with "R". Ooookay Little Johnny, it's your turn now.

 

"Rat. R-A-T. I saw rat with a 10 inch penis!"

[Eagle]

Here's one for all the Marines out there...

 

A Marine was attending a college course (here in USA) between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you

are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell

silent and the professor began his lecture.

 

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting."

 

It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch,

knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.

 

The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What is the matter with you? Why did you

do that?"

 

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave

like an idiot. So He sent me." :USAflag:

I've heard that one before. So Little Johnny grew up, and became a Marine.

[freakjeep93]

nice

[Akula69]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun does not take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun does not ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun does not mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...

 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Akula69]

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.

 

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

 

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

 

Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

 

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

 

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send

Tony Blair in here, would you?"

 

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother

and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

 

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

 

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.

 

"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

 

Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

 

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

 

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

 

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Akula69]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

 

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

 

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers

 

Who were threatening a young woman.

 

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

 

So, I approached the largest, uglest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground .

 

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll kick the s_ _t out of all of you!'

 

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

 

'Couple of minutes ago….....'

[Akula69]

WAL MART INTERVIEW

 

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

 

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

 

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

 

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

 

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

 

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

 

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

 

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

 

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

 

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

 

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

 

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s__t my pants.'

 

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[freakjeep93]

LOL :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :banana:

[DirtyComanche]

Potential Vs Reality

 

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

 

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

 

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

 

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

 

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

 

 

 

(I tell this joke a lot...)

[freakjeep93]

LOL thats awsome

[dasbulliwagen]

I KNOW THIS IS AN OLD ONE BUT ITS ONE OF MY FAVORITES....

 

 

 

Two old men are sitting on a porch in their rocking chairs.

 

Laying between them is an old hound dog, licking his balls.

 

The one old man turns to the other and says " You know Jeb, I wish I could do that."

 

And the other old man says, " You know if you do that, that dogs gonna bite you!"

[MJ300]

This was probably the best forward I ever got on my phone.....

 

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really really hot girl at work...but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him shocked, and then said, "NO!" Eddie said, "I'll be real fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought about this for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "THE F***** HAD ALL QUARTERS!!!"

 

:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

[89eliminator]

thats awesome!

[freakjeep93]

awsome oure awsome i liove it lol . some one sticky this please.

[oldrusty]

Little johnny kept telling tall tales in school....

His teacher decides to fight fire with fire and tell him a tall tale to show him how ridiculous it sounds....

The next day she calls Johnny up to her desk and tells him.......

This morning I was on the way to work and I saw a little poodle dog chasing a black bear across a field....

That little dog chased the bear down and killed it.........

........Johnny replied.......

I know thats my dog and thats the 3rd bear hes killed this week.......

[freakjeep93]

hahah