Aging Parents

[bluenotenick]

I know this isn't really truck related, but maybe someone else here has been through this and can help. My Dad who is 72 started having some problems a few years ago. He couldn't remember simple stuff. Because she didn't want to deal with being stuck taking care of him, his 3rd wife left him (after my Dad had raised her two daughters). I had to go through the divorce for him because he wasn't capable of sorting through the details. The doctors say it's Alzheimer's with possible mini-strokes. I never liked his wife and she spent all of his money on horses. I managed to save his house and clean up his financial life as best I could. After the dust settled, he tried to move on. But it became obvious recently that he wasn't going to be able to live on his own anymore. The troubling part is that he is still very strong physically and could live for a while.

 

My Dad and I weren't ever that close. He was into woodworking and his latest wife/family. I was always into cars, music and other adventures. I know he doesn't want to live like this, but I'm not really sure if he knows anything anymore. Some days he's there fairly good, and others are pretty bad. If I wait to the point where he is totally gone, then there are less options. I don't know what to do. Sorry this is such serious stuff, but there has to be something better than doing nothing. Anyone been through this before?

[87MJTIM]

I would strongly recommend contacting someone in Social Services about your situation (best to leave out any mention of a "hunting accident").  Find out from them other resources for both him and you.  Follow up with some of the resources about additional options.

 

If he is still mentally competent, contact an attorney to draft up medical directive and most importantly, a DNR directive - Do Not Resuscitate - should something happen to him.

[bluenotenick]

Thanks man. His sister has set up a DNR and she has medical power of attorney. All of his affairs are in order and he is being set up in an assisted living facility soon. I don't like that he'll most likely decline to the point where he is a body without a mind. There isn't anything I can do about it. Sometimes these situations become easier to figure out after writing them down and/or sharing with someone.

 

If there is anything to be gained from this, I would think it is important to live life to the fullest now. It all goes by real fast.

[87MJTIM]

My father in law has Alzheimer's.  He is currently in a nursing home.  It is hard on my wife's family to go and see him.

 

Be sure to visit him while he still remembers/recognizes you.  Make the most of it.  I understand you were not always close, but forgiveness begins with you.

 

When he is gone (and it happens to everyone) you will not look back and say "I should have gone to see more often."

 

You say you're not very religious, but he became more religious later in life.  You might contact the priest/minister of his church to talk about YOUR issues.  If they're a good priest, they will not try to convert you.  They should just help you understand/deal with what you are going through.

[bluenotenick]

Yes, forgiveness has been very important along the way. I even told him that I forgave him a few years ago when he apologized for his mistakes long ago with my Mom and a bunch of other stuff. I think I will go for another visit soon. He'll be moving up to NY for assisted living (if we can get him to go) and to be closer to his sister and other family, so I'll be able to visit there as well. He's a big, tough and intimidating guy. I'm hoping it all works out somehow.

 

I got my Comanche from my Dad, so whenever I drive it, it reminds me of him.

[bluenotenick]

Also, sorry to hear about your father in law having Alzheimer's.

[Jeep Driver]

I have much to say here.........but I won't.

 

The only thing I suggest is that you edit your OP and never put thoughts like that in writing again..........ever!

[bluenotenick]

Ok, I get it. Done.

[ftpiercecracker1]

Alzheimer's is so cruel. I have an uncle in his late 70s who has it, physically he is in terrific shape. No medications, perfect eyesight, good strength, but he just can't remember a whole lot anymore. Thankfully my Uncle is a cheerful soul with an abdominal spirit. I understand those suffering from Alzheimer's have the potential to become quite nasty/hateful as the disease progresses. 

 

As has been stated already, spend time with him, if you can, while you can and while he still knows who you are, but don't beat yourself up about it. You still have a life of your own to live. 

 

An assisted living facility will help a lot as this progresses.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your father was an unpleasant one. I wish it could have been better.

 

 

On a side note:

 

My father is turning 60 this weekend. Thankfully he is in excellent health, but it does little to comfort me. Years pass like minutes it seems and I know all to well I will be dealing with the same thing in not to long. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you want to look at it, I have an extremely close relationship with my father. On top of that he is also the primary male figure in four different families. I could go on, but this is about you and your time of need not me.

 

 

Stay strong, be thankful for the good times and take more pictures.

 

FPC.

 

 

[Pete M]

never forget that there is still happiness to be found in life after tragedy.  Stay strong and stay positive around him.  Some days will be harder than others, but focus on what makes him smile.  

[bluenotenick]

7 hours ago, ftpiercecracker1 said:

My father is turning 60 this weekend. Thankfully he is in excellent health, but it does little to comfort me. Years pass like minutes it seems and I know all to well I will be dealing with the same thing in not to long. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you want to look at it, I have an extremely close relationship with my father. On top of that he is also the primary male figure in four different families. I could go on, but this is about you and your time of need not me.

I"m fine with anyone sharing their experiences with their parents on this thread, no matter what the situation. I wish your father well and hopefully he will have a different and better experience.

 

8 hours ago, Pete M said:

Stay strong and stay positive around him.

This is good advice. I'm a grown man, but for some reason stuff with my Dad digs deep. I need to remember that he has a great sense of humor and I can make him laugh pretty easily.

[johnj92131]

My dad spent the last 3 years of his life in a nursing home with Parkinson's dementia.  Not a good way to go for him or for the family.  But taking care of my dad 24 hours a day was killing my mom.  Be as positive as you can.  I know this stuff digs deep and it is OK, even for a grown man.

[bluenotenick]

4 hours ago, johnj92131 said:

Be as positive as you can.  I know this stuff digs deep and it is OK, even for a grown man.

Thank you.

[bluenotenick]

Update.

 

I spent the last few weeks moving my Dad from Georgia into a good facility in New York. The doctor's upped his meds and it has seemed to help a little. At least he lives near his sister now, so we have a reliable family member to help him when needed. It was a good trip overall and I'm relieved to have it completed. 

 

A great benefit from the whole experience was getting to see my some of my Aunts, Uncles and cousins for the first time in over 20 years. Since I have always traveled to see my immediate family (Mom, Dad and brothers) living in NC, GA, NM and ME... I rarely ever see the family in NY which is where most my Dad's side lives. It was like a homecoming of sorts. My Aunt made it feel a lot like home, and now when I visit my Dad I can see everyone. They are really nice, genuine people and I enjoyed spending time with them.

 

So I'm back in Los Angeles and attempting for the third time to get my thermostat housing to seal properly today. All is as it should be.

 

Wishing everyone a happy holiday season and I hope you all get a chance to spend Thanksgiving with family that you actually like. And if not, well, there's probably some work to do on the Comanche and a cold (or hot) drink with your name on it. If I could buy one for everyone, I would.

 

-Bluenotenick

 

 

 

 

[Pete M]

so glad there are some positives coming out of this for you.  

[NC Tom]

Hey bluenotenick, I'd like to chime in here. My sisters and I went through this a year ago with our Mom. Yeah, it sucks!

Anyway, his sister (your Aunt) really needs to be on top of the care he's getting. Thankfully, my younger sister was our shark. She takes no bull from anyone, especially when it comes to family medical. Even though we had our Mom in a very nice center here in NC, stuff still gets through the cracks. Wrong meds, wrong diagnosis, wrong treatments, poor care and even abusive caregivers. It's all a potential issue at ANY care facility. We only had a few minor issues because my sister was cracking skulls if she saw the slightest wrinkle in the works and the management was very good at taking care of business. Not trying to worry you and hopefully your Dad will receive quality, stress-free care.