54bobby Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Haynes Manual Translation Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise.Haynes: This is a snug fit.Translation: You will skin your knuckles!Haynes: This is a tight fit.Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox...Haynes: Pry...Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...Haynes: Undo...Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...Haynes: Retain small spring...Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...Translation: "OK - thats the glass part off, now use some good pliers to dig out the base...Haynes: Lightly...Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing...Haynes: Routine maintenance...Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!Haynes: One spanner rating.Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?Haynes: Two spanner rating.Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground.Haynes: Three spanner rating.Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!Haynes: Compress...Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your breath.Haynes: Inspect...Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's broke!"Haynes: Carefully...Translation: You are about to cut yourself.Haynes: Retaining nut...Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.Haynes: Get an assistant...Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.Translation: But you swear in different places.Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...Translation: Snap off...Haynes: Using a suitable drift...Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!Haynes: Apply moderate heat...Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.Haynes: IndexTranslation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do! __________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ftpiercecracker1 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I see you are quite familar with Haynes handywork. :rotfl2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gogmorgo Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Permission to steal this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
54bobby Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 permission granted. Permission to steal this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harley Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 AHHHH brings back fond memories! :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
88jeepmj Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 that may be the funniest thing I have ever read, Although it looks like you missed the translation for simply :laughin: :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddzz1 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 Hay that may be the funniest thing I have ever read, Although it looks like you missed the translation for simply :laughin: :rotf: HAYNES: Simply Translation: A word that should never have been used in this book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddzz1 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 that may be the funniest thing I have ever read, Although it looks like you missed the translation for simply :laughin: :rotf: HAYNES: Simply Translation: A word that should never be used in conjunction with such shatty instructions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
huck731 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I thouroghly hates hanes books. I use them as emergancy T.P. myself as I prefer the good ol' bentleys.....translation: to poor to afford bentley manual, uses internet and just wings it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
54bobby Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 is there a bently for our trucks. i have one for my 86 bmw and did a couple searches for the truck but to no avail. I thouroghly hates hanes books. I use them as emergancy T.P. myself as I prefer the good ol' bentleys.....translation: to poor to afford bentley manual, uses internet and just wings it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ComancheKid45 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Wow, I'm almost crying! I had to read them all out loud! :laughin: :laughin: :laughin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Brilliant :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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