Lenard Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 this was way to funny not to pass on!! We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my p*cker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of poop lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of poop chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day......he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).. That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunl Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 OMG....I just spit my beer on the screen. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deziped Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Funnniiieee :rotfl2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildman Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Yea........that was great :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mvusse Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 That's better than the guy that decided to try the tazer he bought for his wife on himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freakjeep93 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 LOL thats the best thing ive ever read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpnjim Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Sorry to be the wet blanket, but I don't believe a word of this story. :D It's still funny, but I'm not buying it. :smart: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aemsee Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Sorry to be the wet blanket, but I don't believe a word of this story. :D It's still funny, but I'm not buying it. :smart: :agree: Pure BS. As someone who has been zapped countless time by our pasture fences, once while wading in a stream, it is a pulsed current that "kicks" you off of the wire. But an innovative story non the less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deziped Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 It's intent was to be light-hearted and make someone grin. It worked on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 A bunch of BS, but sure fun to read. True story. I was working a green horse in the pen one day and forgot to turn off the fence. She backed into it, jumped, I went off her backwards, over the fence and into a yucca plant. A lady friend I was trying to impress witnessed the whole thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunl Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Did you impress her with your sense of humour? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 After it was determined there were no serious injuries,just scratches, cuts an bruises and a couple shots of JD pain killer we had a laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelbyluvv Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I laughed. I needed that. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lenard Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 Sorry to be the wet blanket, but I don't believe a word of this story. :D It's still funny, but I'm not buying it. :smart: :agree: Pure BS. As someone who has been zapped countless time by our pasture fences, once while wading in a stream, it is a pulsed current that "kicks" you off of the wire. But an innovative story non the less. A bunch of BS, ok come on guys, it was meant to be something to read and laugh about, true or false don't matter, no need to be a bunch of party poopers here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mvusse Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 BS or not, it's supposed to be funny. And does so exceedingly well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpnjim Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I'm an electrician. Electricity kills electricians, lots and lots and lots of electricians. Soooooo, when I start reading a story about someone getting an electric shock, I'm not really thinking "wow that's funny". I'm thinking "is this a true story, what went wrong, and what should the guy have done". Since I got called out on my post (two, or three times now), I'll be completely honest. I said I laughed, I really didn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 Heeeyy,,We all laughed at it, got a grin out of it, So just because we doubt the veracity of why is that party poopin? Anybody familiar with electric fences knows they are pulsed, not steady and altho it's 70-80Kilovolts it's only a micro second of a micro amp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lenard Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 Heeeyy,,We all laughed at it, got a grin out of it, So just because we doubt the veracity of why is that party poopin? Anybody familiar with electric fences knows they are pulsed, not steady and altho it's 70-80Kilovolts it's only a micro second of a micro amp. tell a joke to couple of people standing in front of you, some of them laugh, then one guy pipes up and starts calling bull $#!& because he starts breaking it down, analyzing and saying well that ain't true, and this ain't true. blah blah...it just kinda ruins the whole point of telling a joke. just go with it, laugh, don't laugh, move on. jpnjim and jimosel I'm not trying to be a smartazz or anything, I'm sure I'm coming off that way though, but I'm just saying :D :cheers: :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 Lenard. I don't think of you as a smart *ss. Just a guy with a sense of humor, like me. And that's a commodity that seems in short supply at times. However I think something should be clarified at this time. Hopefully everyone will agree on these points I'm going to bring up. 1. The Comanche club is composed of gentlemen,and maybe Ladies, not sure there. What differentiates a gentleman from an uncouth slob? Not education. It's upbringing and background.When gentlemen disagree they have a debate and settle with words. When slobs disagree they punch each other out. One of the things gentlemen don't do is call another gentleman a liar. Not matter how tall the tale or how hard the story is to swallow, you do not call anyone a liar. However, it is perfectly acceptable to look one straight in the eye and say "I find that hard to believe." Jim :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunl Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I understand how it's a bit of a party pooper to have someone rain in on a joke like this. But also understand, suicide jokes aren't funny to people who have been affected by it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squeegy410 Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 This is a true story, and also extremely funny. I once owned a horse who was very curious, very tough, and very easily aroused. My dad and I were working on something in the shop when we looked over and saw this horse standing there with at full mast and very proud of it. He then got the notion to see how the top wire (the only electric wire) of our fence tasted. He reached out with his upper lip, and touched it to the fence. He flinched and down below it resembled a bullet going backwards into a gun barrel. If I would have been standing closer I'm quite certain it would have made a pop or snap for breaking the sound barier. It was hilarious and I laughed for a very very long time about it. Any more stories/jokes? :popcorn: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-600JeepMJ Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 :cheers: good one!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJM/78 Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I'm sssstttiiiillll ballen' :rotfl2: :rotfl2: :clapping: :huh???: :doh: :rotf: :rotf: :bowdown: Publish that sh@t and send it to Barbara Walters , she's got saggy nuts too ! :ack: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 You Fr*kin dummy. Those ain't nuts. Those are her saggin boobs. OOOPS, resorted to name callin there. I apologize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJM/78 Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I'm sorry , but a matrix sh@t .......... thats gonna leave a stain on my brain I'll have to tell my friends about . I can't do this , my tummy hurts . :clapping: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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