freakjeep93 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 this is awsome!!! :rotf: :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 You'd think Jake would have better things to do... :roll: Rob L. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xacto Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 A big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakeman17 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 You'd think Jake would have better things to do... :roll: Rob L. ;) no i don't Rob..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakeman17 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thi nking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more.... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich" A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some kitty is in serious danger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpnjim Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 What do you call a bear that likes rain? A drizzly bear! Rob L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino! Rob L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 You hear about the circus fires? They were in-tents! Rob L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
89eliminator Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 :shake: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakeman17 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Rob was crackin those on Sunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
89eliminator Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Rob was crackin those on Sunday then I'm glad i didnt go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I love 'em. So horrible, they are still funny. Rob L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Rob was crackin those on Sunday then I'm glad i didnt go Too bad you missed out on the Kilt tho... Rob L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
89eliminator Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Rob was crackin those on Sunday then I'm glad i didnt go Too bad you missed out on the Kilt tho... Rob L. :fs2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakeman17 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 its was not at kilt or JU it was at Robs Garage Open 24 hours. pulling shafts and working on lights in the snow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Automan2164 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Yeah... I can't wait to go back to the kilt for a burger... and eye candy. :drool: Rob L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakeman17 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 me 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted December 24, 2009 Share Posted December 24, 2009 A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?", asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place. "Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic, you lucky bastard!", exclaimed the Bartender. "Was she pretty?" "Don't know. Never found the head..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
streetjeep2.5 Posted December 24, 2009 Share Posted December 24, 2009 The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women Yo, guys. You DO know what happens, at least in the Army back in the late 1960's, when a soldier calls his rifle or side arm a "gun", don't you? the DS stands you outside screaming at the top of your lungs, THIS IS MY RIFLE. THIS IS MY GUN. THIS IS FOR FIGHTING. THIS IS FOR FUN. Thought I would let you know! :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geonovast Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimoshel Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. "Just look at me" she says, "My boobs are sagging below my navel, my butt is too wide and fat and saggy, My belly is larger than a sack of potatoes, the wrinkles on my face are horrendous. Say something nice about me" He looks at her"Well, your eyesight is perfect" Services this Sun at 10. United Methodist on Broadway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danbyrambler Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Time 4 a Bump :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mountain Dude Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Funny Taser story (not my story) Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety . WAY TOO COOL!Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries...... Right?There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than ¾ inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself , "no possible way!"What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad.....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"Note: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.SON-OF-A-*&^%$.....that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.Still in shock,Tommy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incommando Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Recently told to me by a 4 year old neighbor: Why is a giraffe's neck so long? Because his feet stink! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now