Letter to Santa

[HOrnbrod]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One S with Games of War IV and an iPhone 7 for Christmas. I hope you remember that on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,  Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,  Santa Claus

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Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract requirement, set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,  Tim Jones

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Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,  S Claus

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Now look here, Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat a$$; when you get here, I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.

WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!  T-Bone

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Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously b*@ch??? You think a dude like me who annually breaks into every house in the world on a single night and never gets caught, sweats a skinny, G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake"; Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your $#!t wired, Jack.  I been all around the world and seen ways to hurt people that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry.

Chew on that, Petunia.  S Clizzy

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Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

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Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa
 

[jimoshel]

Aww, Gee.

[gogmorgo]

You'd think that exchange would shift little Timmy over to the naughty list?

I repeatedly asked for a Ferrari on my Christmas list. Didn't even get a Sunfart for my troubles.

[Keyav8r]

That's Santa 1 - Timmy 0. Way to go, S.C.!

[Eagle]

Considering that Santa Claus is between 500 and 1600 years old (depending on which tradition you regard as correct for his origins), he's probably seen a few things ol' Timmy hasn't even thought of yet. It's like they say, age and treachery beats youth and vigor every time.