ComancheClub official joke thread...may be NSFW

[Jakeman17]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

 

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

 

The 80-year-old said, " I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Jakeman17]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

 

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Jakeman17]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she

belonged to someone else.

 

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:

 

"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO!".

 

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

 

 

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agrees and accepts the proposal.

 

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

 

 

 

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls, and asks what happened.

 

She blurted out, "That S.O.B used coins!"

 

 

Management lesson:

 

Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before

agreeing to its terms and getting screwed

[Jakeman17]

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,

"I almost had an affair with another woman."

 

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I

stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in".

You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

 

The man left the confessional, said his prayers,and then walked over to

the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

The man? replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,

and according to you, that's the same as

putting it in."

[Jakeman17]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old

man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "it's fart football."

 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and

says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

"Touchdown, tie score."

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

 

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally $#!&s the bed.

 

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

 

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Jakeman17]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

 

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and

all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents >

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table >

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, >

with his head down.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

[Jakeman17]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

 

His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that hey are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

 

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

 

"Why?" said his father.

 

"Because the milk man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom."

[smithe1811]

So this guy walks into a public restroom to hang a root. Hes goes into a stall and sits down, a few seconds later another man enters the restroom and sits in the stall next to him. After about thirty seconds the first man hears the other say in a low voice"Hey there." The first man feeling a little awkward about the situation in a shy tone replies " uh..hello." so the second man says"So what are you doing?" to which the first man says " I'm uhh..I'm taking care of business, ya know?" then the second man says "So can i come over there?" and the first man says "what?! no man that's just wrong!" the the second man says," Hey, i gotta hang up, there's some idiot in the stall next to me answering all of my questions!

[Jakeman17]

15 Year Old Son !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

 

"Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! " he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

 

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.

 

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

 

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My @$$ is too sore"

[Jakeman17]

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

 

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

[Jakeman17]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

 

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

 

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

 

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

 

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

 

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

 

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[Jakeman17]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes"

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$68,000."

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

 

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Jakeman17]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible

out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80

mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had

left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[Jakeman17]

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

 

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

 

Miss Rogers smiles and says,"Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

 

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Jakeman17]

Two banana's are sitting on a beach getting a tan when a turd floats by in the water and says "Hey, come on in the water's great!"

 

One banana turns to the other and says " Do you believe that $#!&"

[Jakeman17]

Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave a bar in the very early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day they all meet and compare stories of who was the drunkest last night.

 

The first girl claims she was the drunkest saying "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

 

The second says, "You think thats drunk? I got in my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance."

 

The third girl says, "No, I was by far the drunkest. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down."

 

She begins to cry and the room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up, "I don't think you understand....Chunks is my dog."

[Jakeman17]

10 reasons why trick or treating is better than sex!

 

 

 

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 

9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.

 

8. The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.

 

7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the Candy.

 

6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else.

 

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

 

4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

 

3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

 

2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week.

 

And the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...

 

 

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR

[Jakeman17]

A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...

seems she can't get them to turn red.

 

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door

has a garden full of big red tomatoes.

 

She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand

naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."

 

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next

few days standing nude in her garden.

 

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...

"have your tomatoes turned red?"

 

"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...

the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

[Jakeman17]

After a long night of love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

 

Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away a t his ear.

 

Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 

Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

"That's me before the surgery."

[Jakeman17]

an elderly couple was sitting down for breakfast when the wife says to her husband

"Do you remember 40 years ago when we'd eat our breakfast naked as jay birds?"

"yeah" the husband replies

"lets do it again!" proclaims the wife

 

So the couple gets naked and sit back down at the table.

 

"Honey my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 40 years ago"

"that's cause one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee"

[Jakeman17]

what do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

 

Most of the time you get an onion with fuzzy ears, but every once in a while you get a peice of @$$ that makes you cry

[Jakeman17]

There was three FBI cadets.

The trainer told them “Behind these three doors are your wives tied to a chair. I want you to go in there and shoot your wives in the head and you’re an FBI agent.”

 

The first cadet is about 24 years old the trainer gives him the gun and “says go getter boy”. The he goes in closes the door. A couple of seconds…..go by and he comes out. The trainer asked him what happened. The cadet said “I love her and i'm going to take her out to diner and then i’m going to make love to her”. “Give me the gun and get out of here!” the trainer said.

 

He gives the second cadet the gun and he’s about 35 years old.

The same thing happens! He goes in and after a couple of seconds, he comes out and says to the trainer and says “I have been married to her for 10 years and I lover her. “Give me the gun your not FBI material!”

 

Now the third cadet is about 50 years old. The trainer gives him the gun. He takes the gun slams the door open, slams it shut. Then you here POP! POP! POP! CRASH! BANG! CRASH! BANG! BOOM! Then he comes out looking all happy and pleased with himself.

 

The trainer rushes up to him and said

“What the Hell happened in there?”

 

The cadet replied

“some a$$hole loaded the gun with blanks! So I had to kill her with the chair!”

[Jakeman17]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.

 

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[Jakeman17]

One Star Hangover (*)

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

 

Two Star Hangover (**)

 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

 

Three Star Hangover (***)

 

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.

Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke

--- yet you haven't peed once.

 

Four Star Hangover (****)

 

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.

 

(For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five $#!&s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

 

Five Star Hangover, (*****)

 

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your @$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now.......

[the_wizard_of_fire]

 

The 80-year-old said, " I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

oh, god i laughed for like 10 min straight.... :clapping: :yes: :cheers: :rotf: :rotfl2: