Jakeman17

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$68,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man... 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

15 Year Old Son !!!!!!!!!!!! A couple were sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face. "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! " he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!" His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room. The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it". "That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My @$$ is too sore"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that hey are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away." "Why?" said his father. "Because the milk man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents > house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table > where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, > with his head down. * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "it's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally $#!&s the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in". You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man left the confessional, said his prayers,and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man? replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO!". Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls, and asks what happened. She blurted out, "That S.O.B used coins!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to its terms and getting screwed

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, " I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Thats the plan kinda with a video

I can get stuck easily being 2WD lol

Yes in his pocket of his coat..... :rotf: :rotf:

I got this from another fourm I am part of. So I told a guy with a STI I will get stuck and he can try to pull me out. What do you think? Whos in to watch? Anyone wanna come pull me out if he can't?

haha Its bc my oter tool bag broke at Rt 14 when i was ther last and have not replaced it yet(being poor) lol. I figured it would work since i only brought 2 screw drivers and a sockets set Metric and STD ratchet and a extension

It was a surprise when I walked inside since i had never heard of it before

Ratchet straps, allmy tools, jumpercables, air compressor shovel, tennis balls

And I got stuck it in snow pile and had to be pushed out lol tilted kilt is def a win

Nothing Pat did it all

Will do!

I got ya lol I'm comming now haha but I'm wide awake it blows

Freak try talking to me

I'm gonnna try logging into chat off my phone