In Response To The Fantastic Wrangler Ad

[shawn]

Alissa

In response, as the owner of a Jeep Grand Cherokee: I would start by saying that if you are looking for a greasy, sweaty piece of pseudo-Patriotic machinery on jacked-up tires, you, my pelt-wearing pal, should keep looking. If you are looking for a brief description of the beauty before you, I will offer you this: “Literate Driver.”

You are dealing with a standard of Jeep manufacturing, son. This thing–like all her quality-controlled brethren–was forged by Union Labor during a nice little work day with paid breaks. From that day forward, this Jeep has been about the same as every other Jeep on the road.

If you’re looking for an antler-adorned chariot of the bygone Confederacy, keep on going. This is no over-compensating stick shift, it’s an automatic so that you can keep that left hand on the wheel and right hand firmly grasping your gold iPhone 5S. (Just kidding, obviously this car has bluetooth voice command, brah.)

It has A/C and power everything because, are you kidding me? You have a goddamned job and you want to get there looking halfway respectable. “What if it snows?!” Well this car–and you–will give zero @#$%s because mama’s got 4 wheel drive anti-lock everything and a million airbags so that you and your Mozart-loving, clean-clothes wearing kiddos can get to hockey practice in one piece.

If you’re thinking about after-market bull$#!& for this baby’s exterior, think again. She’s got her signature chrome grill and Goodyear all-weather tires rocking just fine, thank you very much. And DON’T EVEN THINK about hanging a pair of pewter testicles from the trailer hitch because this car has solid-gold lady business that’s ALWAYS tastefully under the hood, thankyouverymuch.

Get ready to pull this Dockers-jockey into your two-point-five car sustainably-built garage because the following things are about to start happening, Broseph:

1. Hygiene
2. Shaving that ridiculous Movember dirt squirrel off your face
3. Medium-sized rescue dogs
4. Jamie Oliver recipes
5. 401K contributions
6. Voting
7. Boxer briefs
8. Husband cooks amazing dinners
9. Spelling
10. Thrillary Clinton ’16
11. NBC Thusday night scripted dramas
12. Building stuff out of Ikea boxes
13. Heart health
14. Apple computers
15. Giving to charity
16. Small-batch bourbon
17. Husband stops at the fall wine sale after work
18. BIRCHBOX
19. Bon fires in the above-ground, granite-surround fire pit from Lowes
20. Actually, yeah, more golfing sounds good
21. Boat-haulin’
22. Employment
23. Lawn care service
24. Friends of the opposite sex
25. College football
26. Wife picks you up from co-ed soccer league
27. Kitchenaid Mixer
28. Woodchips
29. Willams Sonoma holiday catalogue
30. Self-respect